When people get in from a long, hard day and kick their shoes off to a chorus of 'I AM SO TIRED', they really have no idea. Lots of invisible illnesses, like POTs, fibro, EDS and HMS, come with fatigue. It's not so much feeling tired, as feeling like you absolutely have to be laying down with your eyes shut immediately or you will just fall over. It just hits you like a train. There you are, going about your business, working, gardening, reading, whatever, and BAM. You are so absolutely exhausted it's as if you've not been to bed in a year. Your head feels like it's been pumped full of hot air and twice the weight it was a minute ago. Now that is tired. Really tired.
2) Poker face
There are times when you are doing something normal, say sitting at a desk at work, when suddenly a body part will explode with burning pain for no apparent reason. No one around would ever know, because you just smooth over it, try not to move, keep calm, and carry on. Dealing with chronic pain leaves you a good poker face. You can be feeling a lot of 'OUCH OH MY GOD' on the inside, but on the outside you look cool, calm and collected. Of course sometimes you can't contain it, and the bad days are bad, but you can regularly look utterly normal, perhaps even really well, when in reality everything hurts and you can't get out of your chair or even lift a cup. You'll have to be forgiven for the slight twinge of crazy when you flash someone a smile.
3) Appreciate
The good days are there to be used and used bloody well. Being cornered by illness and feeling like it dictates life awakens you to a sense of gratitude and appreciation most people don't know exist. Feeling almost brought to tears when a hot water bottle starts to ease your back ache or barely believing your luck when you can have a day out with family makes you thankful. SO thankful. You appreciate everything a million times more than is logical and really routine, average things can make your day.
4) Sleep badly
Sleeping badly is not taking an hour to drift off and waking up a few times. Sleeping badly is taking time to find a position you can lay in, waiting to see if you can stay in that position, hoping you can fall asleep, not falling asleep because you have to continually move, waking up in need of painkillers or to take medication, dislocating a joint from rolling over.....The list goes on. Chronic illness and sleep is a battle and no one fights quite like sufferers of these conditions. Painsomnia. Not fun.
5) Play it down
I used to wonder sometimes how people would feel if I could transfer all my symptoms to them for just ten minutes. Dealing with invisible illness, such as Ehlers-Danlos hypermobility, can test the patience of you and everyone around you. More often than not you probably play it down. Tell people you're okay and carry on with day-to-day life when really it's not okay at all. You're in pain, you're distressed, anxious, stressed, forgetful, brain-fogged and so tired. It's tougher than anyone can imagine, but playing it down to seem not so bad at all becomes quite the talent.
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